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  1. #1
    Harry Tuttle phantomflanflinger's Avatar
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    A List Of Your Competitors - Know Your Enemy

    Any of your competitors fit any of these descriptions? If so, post their names/addresses! I sure would.

    Mr. Top Ponce
    This guy's firm is amongst the best, but he won't even talk to most people. Replies to about 1% of emails. He has top clients, who think he's a 'great artist'. Mr. Top Ponce considers himself 'above' having a proper site: it's just links to his blue-chip clients, but it still takes three days to load, has undreadable 3 point text and is bafflingly unnavigable to everyone, including himself.
    (I hate him, Why can't I have his clients?)

    Mr. Distant
    He ain't there! When someone makes an enquiry, there's no reply. His site hasn't been updated in 3 years, but somehow still gives the impression he's in business. It's amazing how many sites have gone bust but remain on the Web as if nothing's wrong. You don't see shops that look open when they're not.
    (I like him - he ain't there!)

    Mr. Dude
    He's so c0o0o0l, working a 7-hour week, making sites about his wife/girlfriend/lizard and his surfing club/skating club/snowboarding club. He's good at Flash, but if you don't like his work, then, hey, like, that's just your opinion, square.
    (I like him. He's almost me.)

    Mr. Win3.1
    He parties like it's 1994. He considers sites with frames to be "flashy, slow-loading, incompatible, frivolous and liable to crash your computer."
    (I like him. He's got no clients anymore.)

    Mr. Pressure
    He phones clients constantly even at home and tells them they'll be bankrupt unless they have a $7,000 site immediately... "Because your competitors ALREADY HAVE A SITE! You'll be DEAD in six months!! I'm YOUR ONLY HOPE!!" Scary.
    (I like him. He never had any clients.)

    Mr. Kidd
    He's a good designer. But he's not old enough to shave. He really tries hard to sound grown up on the phone. On the plus side, he will accept payment in links to free XXX sites.
    (He's a kid.)

    Ms. Girl
    She's a GIRL. She's UNIQUE. Her sites are DIFFERENT - because she's a GIRL. Or to be exact, her sites have pink backgrounds. And her own site is fulll of "poems".
    (I'd shag her.)

    Mr. Amateur
    He can do a site really good - he's got Dreamweaver 4! That means he can do that Java crypt thingy, so that the buttons change when you put your mouse on them! That means he's a top designer! He's cheaper than these so-called 'professionals' as well!
    (Ha ha ha!)

    Mr. Local-PC-Services-Online.com
    He's a PC repairman. Making a web site is just like fixing an AMD 400MHZ with bollocksed display drivers to him...
    (Bugger him. No, I don't mean I'd bugger him.)

    Mr. Boffin
    Should stick to writing progs, which is the only thing he's good at. Treats creative aspects of Web design as menial programming exercises. Intersting beard and 'Dreadful Gate' (The No.1 Greatful Dead tribute band) T-shirt.
    (C++ genius)

    Mr. 1337
    He won't build a site for you, but he will break into other people's! And he has every X-Files DVD, no girlfriend and exclusive mpeg footage which proves that George W Bush ISN'T part of an alien conspiracy to blow up planet Earth.

    Mr. Insulting
    Mr. Insulting posts messages on Flashkit about his competitors.
    (Cool guy)

    Yes, it's SLOW day for me at the moment. I'm just waiting for clients to send me raw material for their sites.
    Last edited by phantomflanflinger; 10-17-2002 at 03:38 PM.
    We're all in it together

  2. #2
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    The Minister of No Crap

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    Re: A List Of Your Competitors - Know Your Enemy

    Originally posted by phantomflanflinger
    Mr. Distant
    He ain't there! When someone makes an enquiry, there's no reply. His site hasn't been updated in 3 years, but somehow still gives the impression he's in business. It's amazing how many sites have gone bust but remain on the Web as if nothing's wrong. You don't see shops that look open when they're not.
    (I like him - he ain't there!)
    I like him too, but there's plenty of him. I think people just treat the Web like a ho - It better be there when you need it and when you're done, you can just ignore it. While it costs a lot to maintain an actual store in a building, leaving a website on the Internet is typically cheap and probably already paid for through the year. If you're company just went bust and you've still got 8 months left on your hosting, why would you care if the site is still live or not? I may not agree with it, but I understand why it happens.

    Originally posted by phantomflanflinger
    Mr. Win3.1
    He parties like it's 1994. He considers sites with frames to be "flashy, slow-loading, incompatible, frivolous and liable to crash your computer."

    Mr. Local-PC-Services-Online.com
    He's a PC repairman. Making a web site is just like fixing an AMD 400MHZ with bollocksed display drivers to him...

    I have ran into this guy numerous times. One guy had a "website". All that was on it was a single page. It had his email and phone number saying he's the "Computer Guy". The page had grey background.

    Originally posted by phantomflanflinger
    Mr. Insulting
    Mr. Insulting posts messages on Flashkit about his competitors.
    The worst of them all!

    Cool post.

    -scott

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    I saved this post for future reference. Its nice, funny, even inspiring. But it is little bit one-sided. There are also some nice guys around here for instance those, who do not hesitate to help you with your problems and answer your silly questions in this forum. And I know some girls and their sites are really DIFFERENT and cool.
    Borut

  4. #4
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    I almost forgot - there is another type: the Blacksmith - I named id according to our (czech) proverb which says: "Blacksmith's horse walks barehoofed". He is good, he has job, but his site is obsolete, neglected and permanently in construction, because he has no time to finish it.
    (I like him, he IS me)
    Borut

  5. #5
    FK Photoshop Slut rugbystud's Avatar
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    These r gr8! So true its unreal

  6. #6
    Harry Tuttle phantomflanflinger's Avatar
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    Thanks, maybe I should spend less time making sites and more time waiting around for CD ROMs to arrive. Actually, that reminds me:

    Mr. BoardStupid
    Knows a lot (too much really) about the Net and can make good sites, but is too addicted to IRC, message boards and e-mail relationships to do any work. Thinks in emoticons and his closest friend has @ in his name.

    The reason this stuff is so true is I've been a full-time pro for nearly 4 years and if you see something over and over again, it's more than a coincidence - it's observational humour.

    Yeah I know there are some good guys out there, but where's the satire in that? English people like me love to be negative, we can't help it. & Let's face it, we're all on the list. I HOPE I'm a blacksmith, (or a cobbler, wearing my worn-out shoes).

    Anyone got any other stereotypes (more like Daguerreotypes IMO) to add to the list? You could also name some designers and which stereotype they are, if you're feeling malicious.

    I promised myself I wouldn't name any site or designer, but, well, I can't resist saying that one of this month's featured sites (and yes my site has never been featured) is definitely a Top Ponce site: http://www.designunion.net/ - pretentious! Slow loading! Baffling! ... Blue chip fugging clients. Damn.

    If the CDs from my clients doesn't arrive soon I'll do one called A List Of Your Customers - Know Your Enemy. But, I covered this in part here: http://www.flashkit.com/board/showth...hreadid=383303
    Last edited by phantomflanflinger; 10-17-2002 at 07:11 PM.
    We're all in it together

  7. #7
    FK M.D. pheck's Avatar
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    i'd seen designunion's site b/f, and revisiting now i have to agree. the site is incredibly un-intuitive to navigate thru! great post on the stereotypes. love the punt about the friend and the @.

  8. #8
    Harry Tuttle phantomflanflinger's Avatar
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    Some more for the road:

    Mr. AboutMe
    Good designer, but can't resist filling up his site with stuff about his personal life. To him, the Net is truly a community. This goes down badly with clients, because they think he's an amateur.
    (Not me. I'd never do that. BTW here's a pic of my girlfriend and I on holiday...)

    Mr. GoBetween
    His site says his firm is a one stop shop that does eveything, but he actually only makes basic pages in Front Page Express. What he does is buy services cheap from other designers, mark 'em up and sell 'em on. N.B. This is VERY VERY common with hosting. I'd just like to say: IF THE SERVER AIN'T IN YOUR PREMISES, YOU DON'T HOST THE ****ING SITE.
    (Grrrr!)

    Mr. RockStar(Games) Wannabe
    His site uses the latest Shockwave plugin and is "an online gaming experience". What he really wants to do is design games. He spent months making his game/site in Shockwave and it's now as good as a 1984 arcade game. You can find him in your local arcade losing at Tekken 4 to a poker-faced Chinese kid who knows moves even the game designers don't.
    (Sad.)

    Mr. Sleaze
    Most designers with a bit of money in their trousers won't touch anything adult with a bargepole. Mr. Sleaze has no money and spends all his time making adult sites, so he has a bargepole in his trousers. Every image and movie clip he's ever uploaded has been stolen, every page he's ever done has phony links, popups, nasty ActiveX control foistware, he's never been paid on time and everything he's ever done is crooked. His ambition is to have his own multi-million dollar XXX site and have women 'audition' to be on it with him.
    (Where would we be without him? Better off.)

    Mr. Tarantula
    Perhaps the best Web designer of them all, he can spin a web in minutes which effectively catches 100% of insects that touch it.
    (Excellent.)
    We're all in it together

  9. #9
    An Inconvenient Serving Size hurricaneone's Avatar
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    Originally posted by phantomflanflinger
    Mr. Tarantula
    Perhaps the best Web designer of them all, he can spin a web in minutes which effectively catches 100% of insects that touch it.
    (Excellent.)
    Perhaps you need to choose a different spider - the Tarantula is a hunter, not a web spinner. Perhaps the Black Widow, Funnelweb, Redback etc.

    (I could be more picky, but I'd have to try too hard)



    Those are funny, BTW, phantomff
    Stand by for emergency synapse rerouting

  10. #10
    they call me the_jump... le_saut's Avatar
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    Introducing : Messrs "Steal your client via spam"

    I've seen a few of these now... they spam my clients usually to a non-existent email addy on the domain. They try to tell the client that their site is
    "out of date"
    "needs an update"
    "could be much better"
    and
    "I am a web designer"
    "I can provide these services"
    "please contact us"

    The stupid ones leave their real addy and name in the headers.

    I tell my clients when they question me about this "not to trust anyone who spams.. they are desperate for clients and can't get off their lazy arses to find their own".

    I confronted one of these numnuts one day... told them that the site they mentioned was always up to date because it was served dynamically...

    no broken links
    no old news (auto to archives).

    ..unlike your site which was obviously shat out of DW or Frontpage or Pagemaker or sliced out of Imageready. (provided code) and if you knew how to code this without the help of xyz package then maybe I'd consider you to do some subcontracting for me.

    Where would be without these numnuts? - far more respected.

    (If I ever come within arms length of one of these specimens I will break their XYZ package CD's - then see if they know how to "web design")

    Cheer
    James

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