UK Government issues call-up for National Service

[gecko2]

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act(1978),you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip). Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket

* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)

* Tin helmet

* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)

* Gas mask

* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)

* Rifle

* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)

* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Navarro

* Kelly's Heroes

* A Bridge to Far

* The Longest Day

* Apocalypse Now

* The Matrix

* Blazing Saddles

* The Desert Song

* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully,

G Hoon, Minister of Defence.



A Bush-Blair Production

Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

[CVO Chris]

Originally posted by gecko2
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World War III

Gee, and I always thought it was McDonalds...

[gSOLO_01]

Originally posted by CVO Chris
Gee, and I always thought it was McDonalds...

nope, they're having some financial troubles and had to bail out at the last second...

[Visionray]

Blazing Saddles

Now THAT's a funny movie.

[jamble]

Originally posted by gSOLO_01
nope, they're having some financial troubles and had to bail out at the last second...

nah, it's "pepsi presents WWIII"

[TheEnigma]

Damn - I wish you wouldnt do that too me.
I almost had kittens reading that thread title.

It sorta gives me the wiggins as I keep thinking that just maybe...

Oh well, I dont want to turn this into a topical conversation (Topical - Us? MWAHAHAHA! ) but do you think it may possibly happen?

Surely nowadays it woudl be in breach of the EU Convention for Human Rights

[CVO Chris]

I would only fight if my country was being invaded. Any letters requesting my service invading another country can go straight in the bin. It is a scary thought though.

[TheEnigma]

Originally posted by CVO Chris
I would only fight if my country was being invaded. Any letters requesting my service invading another country can go straight in the bin. It is a scary thought though.

Same here!
If they hit our shores that's different, but I dont want to go to teh Gilf.
I have a hard enough time getting rid of sand after a day on the beach

[bibbouk]

Plus I think we'd probably be safer fighting for the Iraqi's given the number of Brits the Americans blew up by 'mistake' last time

[gerbick]

bah. if it were true, none of the lounge lizards here would be eligible.

no worries.

[webcorps]

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell

[Aria]

Originally posted by TheEnigma
... I dont want to go to teh Gilf.

where's that ?

a

[gecko2]

Originally posted by TheEnigma
[B]Damn - I wish you wouldnt do that too me.
I almost had kittens reading that thread title.

It sorta gives me the wiggins as I keep thinking that just maybe...
B]

I saw it on another forum and my heart skipped a beat too

I can't see it happening though, not unless we got invaded. Although the government would probably grant all the invading soldiers asylum then dish out free mobile phones, cheap mountain bikes and naff leather jackets plus some free accommodation somewhere.

[tonytryout]

if we were invaded by aliens like Mars Attack! or Indepedent Day movies then I would probably join up. e.g. unprovoked attack

Apart from that, no thanks -- I will go on flashing.

[justice strike]

you'll find me in the hospital then :P (tending the wounded ofcourse not being a wounded :P)