If any of you are bored and feel like reading this, this is a recent prank I'm playing on someone I worked with on a film a year ago. She was hired by a friend of mine to provide sound and lighting for a short film. She screwed up on the sound, and then tried to blame me for it. I decided to mess with her a little so I decided to email her with a business query...
--------------------------------------
Sat, 19 Apr 2003
Title: Hello, Interested in your services.
Hello,
Had a problem filling out your form so I'll just email this. My name is Harry Johnson. I will need production assistance (on location sound and lighting equipment and cameras as well a sound mixer) for a feature film we are working on set to start production in the middle of May.
Here is a brief synopsis of the film:
A small group of teenage lesbian revolutionists are involved in a series of alien abductions on a chicken farm right outside of Chatanugga County, Tennessee. Tess Steckle, the protagonist, is able to make a daring escape from the aliens with the aid of a local bowling champion named Hans Offah, and his Peruvian goat, Pepe Roni. We find out Hans and his goat have been exiled from a secret government agency known as "The Secret Agency", which has been plotting Armageddon against the American people by financially assisting the alien insurgents. Tess, Hans, and Pepe must travel to Japan to meet up with a group of assassin ninjas who control space age technology in a space age world where the government has been destroyed and everything is chaotic. Unfortunatley, the technology screws up. Tess, Hans, Pepe and a lone assasin ninja known as 'Dusty' are forced into a time warp back to 1987. Tess and the gang find themselves surrounded by armed communist guerrillas at the GAP in a local shopping mall outside a Nicaraguan jungle. Steve Perry, the lead singer of Journey is there.
The communists take them captive and force them to watch reruns of 'Geraldo' for 42 days until Tess finally confesses to her love affair with the leader of the Agency. She is exiled to Mongolia where she forms the Mongolian Liberation Front (MLF). A mexican standoff between Hans, Pepe, and the lone assasin ninja leaves all three dead. The Agency and the Aliens break all ties. Tess starts a series of cataclysmic wars between her newly formed MLF, the Agency, and the Aliens. This marks the end of part 1 in a 6 part series.
We want to shoot it on film, perhaps Beta, some DVCAM and miniDV, as well as VHS here and there. It all depends on the weather, and how drunk I was the night before. Hehe, just kidding. We just want all available options. If I want it to look filmy, then I will call for film. I've used an old 8 mm film camera before so it shouldn't be a problem.
OK, here is what we can provide:
1. VHS camcorder
2. One boom pole
3. A couple of flashlights for the lighting
4. One tape recorder (though I think we will need something more professional for sound. That's your department. Do we need a microphone?)
5. We can provide the actors. I'll be asking the locals around town if they want to participate. If you want to act all you have to do is ask.
I think that just about covers it right? You'll need to bring everything else we'll need. Cameras, better lights, sound, steadycam, cranes, dollies etc...We can talk about all that.
As far as budget, tough to say now Jenn. It wont be as much as a normal Hollywood feature, but we plan on shooting with the budget in mind. We're already talking to some venture capitalists in the area. The actual shoot is probably going to take place over the course of 5 months. I'll provide airfare to Nicaragua, Japan, and Mongolia. It will be up to you and your crew to find accomidations in those areas.
Looking forward to working with you! Let me know how much this is all going to cost us. Feel free to email and we can discuss more of the details. There's lots to talk about! Email me hjohnsonfilm@yahoo.com
Lots of Love,
Harry J.
---------------------------------
Tue, 22 Apr 2003
Re: Interested in your services
Hi Harry- what an interesting e-mail...I'm not surprised the production estimate form didn't work....sounds pretty wacky, but I'm game. I actually helped another fellow with his wacky film idea last year...I provided sound and lighting services- (* Note, she's talking about our film here...) however, I am multi-talented, so I can fill in pretty much anywhere. In this case, you've got a lot going on, so I think it might be best for me to wear the director hat to keep everyone in sync during shooting.
With a brief hiatus to get married May 25-June 3, I will be available after May 19th to help you. A couple thoughts off the top o' my head:
1) You'll want to pick a format and stick with it for ease of editing. I would suggest mini-DV. It's a "pro-sumer" format that works well with low or poor light conditions, is inexpensive, and will get the job done.
2) You have lots of locations you intend to shoot. I would explore how you can fake these settings, when possible. You also will want to be aware that as the producer, you may have to obtain permits to shoot in some public locations.
3) Forget the tape recorder. Just not acceptable, and you don't want to have to deal with the editing nightmare of syncing lips and voice. Just ask Milli Vanilli.
4) I wouldn't recommend the VHS camcorder to be used, as the differences in the pictures that are edited together will be very obvious, and will take away from your wonderful storyline....it's a complicated plot, and you want people to stay focused on that, not technical issues.
5) The person we get to shoot will also do the lighting. So now we're talking about probably a maximum of three people on a shoot (a shooter, an audio person, and me, when things are complicated, and it's best to have someone else doing audio while I make sure we're following the script and that we have all our shots covered).
7) There's a lot that goes into this movie-making thing....you'll need to first determine your budget. Once you find out how much money you're able to come up with, we can figure out what the best use of it would be.
Lots to mull over..think about it, discuss with your cohorts, and let me know how I can help.
Jenn
-----------------------------------
Mon, 28 Apr 2003
Re: Interested in your services
Hi Jenn!
Good to hear from you! Sorry I did not respond to you earlier. I was in the Galapagos Islands finishing up some filming of a short documentary about a the small community of poor white trash from Alabama that immigrated to the islands in the early 70's.
This is great that you'll be willing to become part of the team! I'd like to thank you for your offer to anoint yourself as "director", but we've already filled that position. We're going to be using a old timer to the industry, Ben Dova. He worked as a 3rd assistant stuntman on a couple of John Waters films back in the early 80's. He's never directed before, but he understands this script thouroughly and we all have great confidence in his vision. This film we are about to embark upon is going to be award winning. So as far as you're position, we need you as the chief sound mixer/ lighting technician. Beleive me, you will be getting paid a large amount of money for this, all of which we can work out over the phone, or in person etc...
Ok Jenn, now I'd like to address some points you raised in your email.
1. Concerning miniDV. I agree, miniDV is a cheap format, but we have a pretty high budget for this shoot, so we are going to be using film as well. We already have a deal with a negative cutter in the area, and my brother works as a color corrector for film in Los Angeles. We will be sending the footage to LA to be color corrected, then blown up to 35mm for projection.
2. Concerning locations. We've already decided on that. At first we were going to fly everyone to Mongolia, Japan and Nicaragua, but now we have decided that we will only fly the crew to Japan. We'll be there for 2 weeks, should be a lot of fun! We want you to consider coming along. Myself and my four producing partners will be staying with friends and family. Everyone else will be staying in a 4 star hotel in downtown Tokyo. (if you've never been to Japan before you're going to love it!).
3. Good idea about throwing away the tape recorder. I knew we needed something different! Good thinking!
4. As far as lights, that'd be great. Bring whatever you can. I'll be buying one or two lightbulbs at WalMart before we go.
5. As far as editing. Well, needless to say, that term is so overused and outdated. The way we're going to shoot this, there won't be any need for editing. Every shot we take will be included in the film. It's probably going to be long, yes...about 6-7 hours. But the true fans who see the vision of Ben Dova will appreciate the results.
6. Budget. Well, we have become lucky on this one. My buddy Randy from Arkansas has an old aunt that suffers from multipersonality disorder. Lucky for us, she is a rich widow who lived a life of luxury (she was a Rose Queen!). Her husband used to work for British Petroleum as vice president and left her an extrordinary amount of cash. Good ol' Randy was able to convince her to donate 7 million dollars. Yes! Seven million! I am not kidding. This movie is going to be BIG TIME BABY!!!! YEAAAA!!! She thinks that we're using this money to finance an army of freedom fighters who are at war with the Soviets! This woman is literally crazy!
Allright Jenn, lots to think about. I'll be in touch in a couple of days. Let me know what you think of all this. I know it is a lot to digest at the moment, and it all seems really WACKED OUT, but over time, everything will be explained.
Lots of love sweet cakes,
Harry Johnson
A Flash Developer Resource Site
Reply With Quote
It's a harmless joke that I didn't even think she would fall for.
