The "A guy walks into a bar..." thread.

**PAlexC** · 09-02-2003, 10:34 AM

Add your own joke to the famous opening line: "A guy walks into a bar..."

...with a small lizard on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, what's his name."

"Tiny" says the guy.

"Why did you name him Tiny?" says the bartender.

"Because he's my newt."

*badumbum crash!* Thank you, try the veal.

**gSOLO_01** · 09-02-2003, 10:38 AM

A guy walks into a bar... and then says ouch.

**TallGuyLittleCar** · 09-02-2003, 10:39 AM

"a guy walks into a bar....

and says "ouch, i wish i was shorter"

**aversion** · 09-02-2003, 10:51 AM

" a horse walks into a bar.. the barman says, 'why the long face?'"

:|

**hurricaneone** · 09-02-2003, 10:59 AM

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place… it doesn’t matter to me.”

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”

**aversion** · 09-02-2003, 11:15 AM

A dyslexic man walks into a rab...

**aversion** · 09-02-2003, 11:22 AM

two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
one says "i think i've lost an electron"
the other says "are you sure?"
the first says, "yes, i'm positive"

hahahaha.... ohhhh, sigh

:|

**SubwayDesigns** · 09-02-2003, 11:52 AM

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?". The bartender says no. The duck walks out, then comes back the next day and asks "got any crackers?". Bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks "got any crackers?". Bartender says "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!". Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

**Markp.com** · 09-02-2003, 11:56 AM

Hahaha... aversion, you are the worst and also the best... welldone

**aversion** · 09-02-2003, 12:03 PM

these days you gotta appeal to the high brow and the low brow to get head!

**erova** · 09-02-2003, 12:04 PM

a Wharton MBA student walks into a bar just off campus, orders a Miller Lite, and walks to the bathroom where he pours it down the toilet.

comes back to the bar, calls over the bartender, and again takes his beer to the bathroom where he once again pours it down the toilet.

after doing this process a third time, the curious bartender serves the man his fourth beer, and says, "alright, guy, what's the deal with dumpin your beers down the toilet???"

guy says to the bartender--"sixth rule of b-school: eliminate the middle man".

**iForgotMyPassword** · 09-02-2003, 01:06 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

-----------------

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ''What'll it be buddy?''

The man says, ''Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles.'' The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

''You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.'', said the man.

The bartender hastily asks, ''What do you have pal?''

The man drunkenly replies, ''I have a dollar.''

**PAlexC** · 09-02-2003, 02:08 PM

Originally posted by aversion
A dyslexic man walks into a rab...

I thought it was supposed to be "A dyslexic guy walks into a bra." ?

**I_am_TheFlasher** · 09-02-2003, 02:10 PM

"A guy walks into a bar...then walks out."

**robbmcaulay** · 09-02-2003, 05:32 PM

Originally posted by iForgotMyPassword
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

-----------------

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ''What'll it be buddy?''

The man says, ''Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles.'' The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

''You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.'', said the man.

The bartender hastily asks, ''What do you have pal?''

The man drunkenly replies, ''I have a dollar.''

**dabrewski** · 09-02-2003, 06:28 PM

Originally posted by aversion
two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
one says "i think i've lost an electron"
the other says "are you sure?"
the first says, "yes, i'm positive"

hahahaha.... ohhhh, sigh

:|

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I seriously laughed at that rofl.

**ViRGo_RK** · 09-02-2003, 06:32 PM

A guy walks into a bar. He orders many drinks. He gets drunk. He goes home. His wife yells at him. He sleeps on the couch.

This is the story of some guy's life.

**qetret** · 09-02-2003, 06:43 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. While sipping his drink, the chimp jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Hey, your ape just ate my cue ball?" The guy says, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and olives." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a cherry, puts it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since that cue ball, he measures it first!"

**I_am_TheFlasher** · 09-02-2003, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by qetret
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. While sipping his drink, the chimp jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Hey, your ape just ate my cue ball?" The guy says, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and olives." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a cherry, puts it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since that cue ball, he measures it first!"

HAHAHA that made me laugh.

**aversion** · 09-02-2003, 06:48 PM

Originally posted by PAlexC
I thought it was supposed to be "A dyslexic guy walks into a bra." ?

mine's the g-rated version

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