The "A guy walks into a bar..." thread.

[justice strike]

a guy walks into the bar orders a odd kinda drink. The man gulps it quickly down and jumps out of the window (5th floor bar). a minute later he walks in the bar again and orders exactly te same drink, swallows it in one shot and jumps out of the window.

few minutes later he walks in the bar (again) now a guy who has been sitting there for some time asks the guy how he could survive that jump from the 5th floor in wich he replies that it's the drink that does the trick. he orders another drink and says: "go ahead try it". the man hestitates but finally drinks the drink and jumps out of the window.... and died.

the bartender then says to the other guy: "superman your really a jerk when your drunk"

[flipshark]

A guy walks into a bar when he sees George Bush and Colin Powell are sitting at a table in the far corner away from him. After a few beers for courage he decides he will head over and say "hi".

As he approaches he says Mr. President it is such an honor to me you... the usual when meeting the President.

After the meet and greet he decides to leave before he wears out his welcome. As he is about to turn and walk away, GWB says "wait a second... before you go I'd like to get your opinion on the war in Iraq. We've determined over the course of 5 years we are going to kill over 1 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits"

Confused the man asks "why would you kill a blond with big tits??"

GWB turns to Colin Powell and says "I told you no one would care about the 1 million Iraqis"



Very Digusting One Below: Seriously it's not for the faint of stomach.



Dracula walks into a bar and sits down at a table with 3 other vampires.

Vampire # 1 asks the bartender for a Pint Of Beer and a Pint of Blood. He gets his order and starts to drink.

Vampire # 2 also asks the bartender for a Pint Of Beer and a Pint of Blood. Then gets his order and starts to drink.

Vampire # 3 makes his order and he too asks the bartender for a Pint Of Beer and a Pint of Blood. Then gets his order and starts to drink.

The bartender then comes up to Dracula and asks
"What'll it be?"
Dracula says "I'll just have a mug of steaming hot water"
The bartender snickers and goes to get the steaming hot water for his customer.
Confused all the vampires look at Dracula and watch him closely as the bartender delivers the steaming hot water.
Noticing that now the whole room is watching him he reaches into his cloak and pulls out a used tampon and replies "what, can't I make a cup of tea?"

[hurricaneone]

Originally posted by qetret
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. While sipping his drink, the chimp jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Hey, your ape just ate my cue ball?" The guy says, "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and olives." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a cherry, puts it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since that cue ball, he measures it first!"

Dude, that is quality funny.

LMAO.

[SpockBert]

Man walks into a bar..carrying an Octopus

The man puts the Octopus on the bar and loudly announces so everyone can hear that his octopus is the most musically talented animal in the world and can play any instrument.

A man comes up to him and says £50, that stupid octopus can't play this guitar, the octopus picks it up and then starts playing like Hendrix, behind the head, the lot. The man stunned at the skill of the octopus, coughs up his money and moves away.

Another man comes up and says bet he can't play my trumpet, so the octopus picks up the trumpet and plays the most soulful honky tonk jazz. The man impressed pays his money and walks off.

By this time a bit of crowd has gathered round in the bar with everyone challenging the octopus to play something, each time the octopus comes through in triumph.

After some time a Scottish fella with a set of bagpipes steps forward, for once the Octopus hesitates and just stares at the bagpipes.

The Scotsman asks the octopus, "can't you play it?

"play it??!" says the Octopus

"as soon as I get its pyjamas off I'm gonna (you know what) its brains out"

[ bb boom tish ]

[hurricaneone]

Ah Spocky, I was trying all day to remember that one.

Thanks, man.

[SpockBert]

yeah, its something like that anyway, got a much better one if I can remember it

[PAlexC]

A guy walks into a bar followed by a monkey, a horse, satan, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a priest, a rabbi and superman.

The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[tiGRAN=-2001]

Originally posted by aversion
two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
one says "i think i've lost an electron"
the other says "are you sure?"
the first says, "yes, i'm positive"


hahahaha.... ohhhh, sigh

:|

^^^^^^^^^^^
this one really made me laugh haha now i can say lol!

--edit--
then I saw dabrewski's post

[Nightfall]

a guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a . Te bartender asks him why he wanted a donut. The man replied....
...
....
...
.

[connect2nikhil]

A guy walks into the bar

@
/|\
/ \

And he .................

___ @
___ /|\
___ / \

walks out.

[1stbite]

Two morons walked into a bar, Tom and Jack, they sat at the bar, when two fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught. The morons figured that they could to that. After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, and the reply was "no." About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and again the reply was "no." Finally, Tom yelled "Pull me up!! Pull me up!!" Jack exclaimed "Ya got one?" Tom said, "No! a train is coming!!"

[qetret]

Originally posted by hurricaneone
Dude, that is quality funny.

LMAO.

yeah I stole it from someone else lol

[mave_the_rave]

A guy walks into a bar..

Asks the barman for a Treble Whisky. He drinks it down in one
screws up his face and says to the barman, "I should not of done
that with what I've got."

"What have you got"? asks the barman.

"20 pence" says the man..

[PAlexC]

Originally posted by mave_the_rave
A guy walks into a bar..

Asks the barman for a Treble Whisky. He drinks it down in one
screws up his face and says to the barman, "I should not of done
that with what I've got."

"What have you got"? asks the barman.

"20 pence" says the man..

boo! already done in this thread.

[save_larry]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down on the stool.

The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies, "You named a drink 'Kevin'?"

[connect2nikhil]

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the
bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all
her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to
the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and
chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that
drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes
in here, she's with a black guy."

[squidlips]

If I were politicaly correct I'm pretty sure I would be outraged by the racial remarks in that joke. Fortunantly I'm not so i got a good belly laugh out of it

[Hazard06]

Originally posted by connect2nikhil
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the
bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all
her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to
the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and
chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that
drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes
in here, she's with a black guy."

ROFL!!! im not racist or anything... but that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Hazard06]

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"

The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."

[Hazard06]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."