At a party..
Bond.James Bond.
Damm. Van Damm. Claude Van Damm. Jean Claude Van Damme..
be well..
mad_sci
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At a party..
Bond.James Bond.
Damm. Van Damm. Claude Van Damm. Jean Claude Van Damme..
be well..
mad_sci
Two fonts walk into a bar ...
The Bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type here."
ba-da-bing
:D
Mine was stupier..ha ha ha...
Well, if we're havin' a contest ... ;)
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a hamburger. The bartender quickly replies "Sorry, we don't serve food here". The mushroom, shocked and offended retorts with "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
... Wait a minute ... did I just add another post to that so I could be proclaimed The Most Stupid???? :eek:
i thought we gave that title to you a long time ago, lannie ;:p
lol
ok
so my buddy was fired from his job today (he worked at an orange juice factory)
when i asked him why he was fired, he said "it's because i can't concentrate"
<looks around> Where's my crown, dammit? ;)Quote:
Originally posted by agent vivid
i thought we gave that title to you a long time ago, lannie ;:p
a dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
the ant told the elephant:
"hey buddy could please put this slice of bread on you head"
elephand did.
" this is what I call BigMac " -ant says..
hyahahaha
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?
He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
Come on folks ~ surely I am not the only one here with bad jokes ... :)
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman
The second fisherman replied, "It's just a little wave."
Im not going for stupid, Lann has that covered, im just going for funny... :D
A Butler walks down stairs and the lady of the house stops him and says "Jeeves, I would like for you to take off my shirt."
Jeeves looks at her and becomes rather nervous and says "yes madam" and unbuttons her shirt and takes it off.
She then says, "Now Jeeves I would like you to take off my skirt"
Jeeves, now even more nervous says, "Yes madam" and removes her skirt.
The lady then says "Jeeves, I would like for you to take off my bra and panties"
Jeeves is so nervouse hes sweating now, his hands are shaking but as calm as he can say he says "Yes madam" and takes off her bra and panties.
The lady then sighs, and says, "Now Jeeves, If I ever catch you wearing my cloths again, youre fired."
:D
D
here lannie, i think these qualify....
"What does an attorney wear to work?"
"A law suit"
***********************
"What do bees chew?"
"Bumble gum"
***********************
"Two Pretzels were walking down the street."
"One was assaulted."
These two joks you have to hit people with the delivery.
On both of these you come out of nowhere and say
Hey, did you know that No one living in this City could get into the cemetary over on such and such street"
And theyll say Realy? Why?
You say
They gotta be dead first.
:D
Second one...
Hey? Did you hear about everyone just getting up and walking out of the theater last night?
Really what happened?
The movie ended.
:D
D
un otro....
Radio: "Police are looking for a man with one eye called George."
Boy: "What's his other eye called ?"
A Daddy tomato, a momy tomato and a baby tomato are taking an after noon walk. The baby tomato starts dragging behind so the Daddy tomato goes back to the baby tomato, squashes him and says "Ketchup".
:D
D
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Q: What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
A: Mumbo Jumbo
A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
How did the telephones get married ?
In a double ring ceremony !
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !
Why was the broom late ?
It over swept !
What kind of hair do oceans have ?
Wavy !
.........akkkkk, these are REALLY stupid :D
Easy there, Nordy - you're about to edge me out for the crown ... ;)Quote:
Originally posted by nordberg
.........akkkkk, these are REALLY stupid :D
<ralph wiggum>
"that's un-possible"
</ralph wiggum>
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear the problem that people sometimes have making telephone calls in China?
It happens when they Wing the Wong number.
What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?
Same middle name
Two men walked into a corn field . . . they were amaized.
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
A man in a coffee shop orders coffee, "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee without cream."
The waiter walks away, but then comes back and says, "Sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like your coffee without milk instead?"
i think i'm gonna puke :p ;)
If things get any worse ~ I'm going to have to ask you to stop helping me ...
:D
that barrier was already broken right from the first post ;)Quote:
Originally posted by LanSite
If things get any worse
:D
Crap ~ good point ... :)Quote:
Originally posted by Axe324
that barrier was already broken right from the first post ;)
You might be a redneck if ...
..... You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
..... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
..... Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.
..... Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
..... You own a homemade fur coat.
..... Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather.
last post for now
so..
There once was a 10 year old boy named Mike who lived on his father's farm. The boy's biggest joy was tractors. He loved them. He adored them. In fact, without any exaggeration, they were his meaning for living. His room was decorated with tractor posters, he made tractor models and he took the greatest of joy in washing his father's tractors.
One day he came home from school and his father announced that he had decided it was time to buy a new tractor for the farm, and that consequently he would be going to the National Exhibition Centre (the “NEC”) in Birmingham that weekend to pick one out. At this Mike went into tractor overdrive and started to beg his father to take him with him. Eventually his father relented and said "OK, you can come, but only if you finish all your homework and chores for the weekend on Friday night.
Friday night came round and little Mike rushed home from school and sat down to his homework. 30 minutes later (well he was only 10) he was at the kitchen sink doing the washing up and then it was out into the farmyard to wash the tractor. As he rubbed away he thought to himself "this is the last time I do this one, we'll have a new one next week". By 8 o'clock he was finished and it was time for his bath and then to bed.
Saturday morning, 7 o'clock. Mike jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and out to the yard where his father was getting the car ready. Having remembered that he had no clothes on, he ran back into the house, up to his room , got dressed and then ran back down again. Mike's father rebuked him, saying "You're having breakfast before you go" . So after breakfast it was into the car and off to the NEC.
All the way there Mike was looking out of the car window, trying to spot as many type of tractor as he could, much to his father's annoyance. "Will you be still for 1 hour?" A shrimp stood a better chance of surviving in a supernova. Eventually they arrived at the NEC and Mike's dad parked the car.
"Can I have a look around on my own" pleaded Mike. "You must be joking " retorted his father. However, as is the way with small children and some parents, one major tantrum later Mike was wandering around the NEC while his father picked out a new tractor.
The first stand that Mike came to was British and it had a wonderful big red tractor on it. Mike let out a little squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were all the usual knobs and dials, but in addition there was a stereo radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the tractor on his father's farm and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was well enamoured and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike a little bit. However he quickly recovered and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was German and it had a wonderful big yellow tractor on it. Mike let out a slightly louder squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials and stereo radio cassette, but also wash wipers on all the windows and a CD player attached to the radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the British tractor and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was greatly impressed and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and a stroke and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike again. However he recovered and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was American and it had a wonderful big blue tractor on it. Mike let out a loud scream of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD and wash wipers on all the windows, but in this tractor there was also a microwave oven and a small TV. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the German tractor and for 25 minutes he had a wonderful time. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was gob-smacked for a moment from the enormity of his joy, but he eventually communicated his joy to the salesman. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman swallowed what must have been 2 gallons of phlegm and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike greatly. However he recovered with some difficulty and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was Japanese and it had a wonderful, enormous, golden tractor on it. Mike let out a very loud scream of joy which shattered several wine glasses in the near vicinity and jumped into the cab in a single bound. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD, wash wipers on all the windows and microwave oven, but this tractor had a widescreen TV with Nicam stereo sound and a small car attached to the back to take you home after a hard day in the fields. Now to Mike this was without doubt the most stupendous tractor he had ever seen and for a whole hour he played all over it. Eventually the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was naturally a little cautious about answering this question in light of what had happened so far and merely commented that it was "nice". The salesman realised that he was up against a hard dealer and asked "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought very hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get £2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman leaped at Mike, dragged him from the cab and threw him of the stand screaming "Get out of here you little %*&$@#&%".
Now this time Mike was very upset. He ran around the NEC trying to find his father. When he did find him he ran up and was crying so much that his father decided they should go home. All the way home Mike lay on the back seat sniffling, not even bothering to look out of the window. When the car stopped in the farmyard Mike leaped from the car and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Pulling all the posters off the wall and collecting up all his models he ran back downstairs and out into the yard. Piling them all in the yard he set light to them. His parents just stood and watched. Then Mike announced "I'm off down to the pub" Now his parents realised that he wouldn't get into any trouble and let him go.
When Mike walked in to the pub he strolled nonchalantly up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. Now this surprised the barman as not many 10 year old boys came in, but he gave him a pint of cold tea, knowing that Mike would never know the difference. As Mike sipped his "beer" he glanced around the bar and noticed how smoky it was. Commenting on this, the barman replied that "the chimney blows back a bit and a lot of the customers smoke. Mike contemplated on this and then announced "I can get rid of all this smoke for you". The barman just laughed and said "go on then!".
Mike took a big breath, sucking in all the smoke, and walked outside where he exhaled it. Walking back into the bar, the barman muttered "how the $%&£*~@# did you do that?"
"Oh, it was easy . . . you see, I'm an extractor fan."
i think i better run away before i get lynched :D
:confused:
lynched...no way :D
you should take lannie's crown away! :p
lol
ok... so here it goes
--------
two ropes decide to go out for the evening
they both knot themselves up tightly, and go out to the coolest club in the town
so the first jumps out of the cab and approaches the door... but the bouncer stops him and says:
"hey... no ropes allowed!"
well, this rope was kind of a wuss... so he turned around and went back to the cab
meanwhile, the other rope had been watching the entire thing, and decided to take matters into his own hands
so he proceeded to mess up his hair a little bit... then he made his way to the door
"hey... aren't you a rope?" asked the bouncer
"sorry" the rope replied ... "i'm a frayed knot"
;)
cha ching!
Quote:
Originally posted by Dzine
Im not going for stupid, Lann has that covered, im just going for funny... :D
A Butler walks down stairs and the lady of the house stops him and says "Jeeves, I would like for you to take off my shirt."
Jeeves looks at her and becomes rather nervous and says "yes madam" and unbuttons her shirt and takes it off.
She then says, "Now Jeeves I would like you to take off my skirt"
Jeeves, now even more nervous says, "Yes madam" and removes her skirt.
The lady then says "Jeeves, I would like for you to take off my bra and panties"
Jeeves is so nervouse hes sweating now, his hands are shaking but as calm as he can say he says "Yes madam" and takes off her bra and panties.
The lady then sighs, and says, "Now Jeeves, If I ever catch you wearing my cloths again, youre fired."
:D
D
LMAO! that's the first joke i laughed about i this thread.
good one :D:D
q: it's red and is besides the road.
a: a bucket
q: it's yellow and you can stamp on it.
a: a little chicken
those are worst in the world! :D
Man, u guys have got far too much time on ur hands. :p
These r terrible
<hands the crown over to Axe> ... I think we can all safely proclaim you winner of The Most Stupid ~ Quite the dubious honor ;)Quote:
Originally posted by agent vivid
:confused:
lynched...no way :D
you should take lannie's crown away! :p
and so it goes on ...
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if
he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and
then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time
putting his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
here's one of my personal favorites...
3 guys are outside the gates of heaven. peter shows up to explain to them how it works.
here's the deal fellas, depending on how good you've been, you each will get a vehicle to roam areound heaven with, OK?
Cool.
So peter asks the first guy, how good do you think you've been in your lifetime?
guy says he's been pretty good, 'cept he cheated on his wife once.
so peter says, well that's not too bad, we've seen much worse... and hands the guy keys to a real nice cadillac
peter asks next guy the same question, guy says, well, i guess i've been OK... but i was pretty unfaithful to my lady for a while there.
so peter just sighs and hands the guy keys to a buick.
peter looks to the last guy, and he says well honestly, i've been pretty bad, i had lotsa girlfriends throughout my whole marriage.
peter gives him a dirty look and the keys to a beat up ford escort with no muffler.
...
little while later, the guy with the cadillac looks really really sad.
why are you so sad, the others ask... you got the nicest ride of all of us.
crying, he says...
i just saw my wife go by on roller skates
:D
http://www.tigerelements.com/GCeekpink.gif
Did you know that if you play a country and western record backwards, your dog, your horse and your girl come back?
-Phil:)
haha yeah... your pickup truck too so i heard! :DQuote:
Originally posted by Dolbadarn
Did you know that if you play a country and western record backwards, your dog, your horse and your girl come back?
-Phil:)
LOL...:)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
wow!:(
Think that was bad...
http://artofdesign.f2s.com/iqtest.htm
ok - before you read
<Lannie dont kill me lol> :D
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
A
Now look what ya did...
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave.
How did the man die raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and sits in front of your door?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and floats in the lake?
Bob
What do you call a women with one leg longer then the other?
Ilene.
Look what you all made me do!:):P
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a
little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a bloody liar.!"
lmao ~ I had to respond to that one in e-mail, Aria ;)Quote:
Originally posted by Aria
ok - before you read
<Lannie dont kill me lol> :D
:D