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Hello neighbours,
Hope this letter finds you in great spirits and full of beans. I doubt it as you all seem to wake at around 10pm and party until 4 in the morning so I would think you’re all hungover about now.
Much as I am a fan of Yazz and the plastic population (especially their chart topping single ‘the only way is up’), I have no wish to hear it at 2 o’clock in the morning weekdays Tuesday to Thursday. Nor do I wish to hear your party guests trying to do their best Yazz impressions by trying to sing along in voices that would, quite frankly, curdle cheese.
Saying that though, it’s not just the music. I also enjoy it when there is a crying girl outside my flat being comforted by another girl telling her to ‘ignore him, he’s just a stupid ba$tard’ in a voice that is louder than a lorry. A particular highlight of my night is when some of the masculine members of the house (I use the term loosely, I have seen tougher kittens) pretending to be annoyed with each other outside which then generally ends in some kind of mad dance off which normally involves two of the aforementioned blokes (If they can be called that) squaring up to each other, moving around a bit, a bit of pushing and then nothing happens. If you like, I could come round and show them how to throw a punch. I for one, would applaud if there was a fight as the ‘dancing’ at the moment is a bit of a let down and sends me to sleep (if it weren’t for Yazz).
I am glad you have decided to hold all your upsets and arguments in the street anyway as I’m sure I speak for all your neighbours when I say it cheers me up no end to see at least one of you upset. Why do it behind closed doors, why not air your pathetic drunken arguments on the street? I am trying to hire some microphones, amps and speakers so that we can reach further round the estate with your crap ramblings. My mate Dave has a sub woofer, I’m not sure what it is but I’m sure we can use it somehow to broadcast your childish and ridiculous antics to maybe even Didsbury.
So much as your taste in music and crying in the streets amuses me no end, I must ask you to stop as some of us in your street actually work for a living and are not soap dodging, bean eating, benefit scrounging students.
Weekends don’t bother me, in fact I may even pop over for a stella on a Friday or Saturday at your next party. I may even comfort the crying girl and dance off with some of the lads (I promise not to hurt them, I’ll just pretend like they do). I’ll sing along to Yazz in a crap voice but I’m afraid on Monday and Thursday I like to try and get some sleep.
So, on these nights, can you please lock the crying girl in the shed, give the lads a copy of smash hits and keep the Yazz CD on the shelf. I’m sure your neighbours would love you for it and would pop over for a stella at the weekend.
Yours truly,
Big Dave from Bermondsey.
PS. My brother gets out of prison next week (after ten years for ABH). I might bring him over for one of your parties if you don’t mind.
Think they'll take the hint ?