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Thread: Jesus in aisle 4...

  1. #1
    supervillain gerbick's Avatar
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    Jesus in aisle 4...

    I swear, living in the "Bible Belt" is an adventure sometimes.

    I'm at the grocery store this Sunday morning thinking that I'm safe from all of the people that's invariably in church that are worshipping what means the most to them; God/Jesus/Holy Ghost/money/viagra, basically "doing their thing".

    So for the last weekend or so, I've been dealing with a stomach virus that's been passed down to me like a heirloom by recent visits to the hospital; visiting the sick means that invariably you might get sick yourself. Anyway, I'm looking at some Powerade and thinking "What flavor is white? Artic Smatter? Hell, I'll try it..." when a friend from Germany calls. Mind you, we verbally abuse each other in German, but it's ok since we're good friends.

    Then I get a tap on my shoulder. Per usual, when I have the bluetooth earpiece in my ear and talking on the phone, people on the other side of me sometimes think that I'm talking to them... I thought this was that case. Boy was I wrong.

    "I noticed that you're speaking another language, but you're taking so much care to not talk loudly or curse. I commend you for that."

    Yeah... not curse. Perhaps not in English lady... you just don't know what all I just said... then I wait for it...

    "Have you found Jesus?"

    I instinctly look up... I'm in aisle 4. Have I found Jesus in aisle 4? No. I found some white-looking Powerade. But not Jesus. Is that a new flavor? Get out of my face. Jesus... are you in aisle four!?

    My mind is racing around trying to find a "nice" way to get out of this familiar conversation oft started in the grocery store. I just say nicely... "Ma'am, there's a decent way to ask a person if they're Christian. I'm quite sure you'll find that way."

    Smile... and exit... so I thought.

    "Why don't you pray with me?"

    Pray. While I'm in aisle four. Are you nuts, lady!?

    Right about now, I'm noticing this glassed over look in her eyes. Sorta a mix of that runaway bride and David Koresh... and I'm seriously thinking I need to find something... and Jesus ain't it. I need an exit.

    I just basically turn, walk away, keep walking despite her siren-like shrieks to get my attention. I tell the management basically what happens on my way to pay for what groceries I did get and zoom out of the parking lot like I was Batman on a mission.

    Dammit. I forgot to get aspirin. I hate the grocery store sometimes.

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  2. #2
    Flash Kit Moderator Genesis F5's Avatar
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    Hahahaha. Man, what a way to start the day.

  3. #3
    supervillain gerbick's Avatar
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    You know what really kills me though? I just WISH somebody would have sent a message to my phone, or I would have gotten an e-mail and trigger off the alert I have for it...

    "Yeaaaah, it's the Juggernaut *****!"

    That would have been a quicker way out of that situation.

    [ Hello ] | [ gerbick ] | [ Ω ]

  4. #4
    Flash Kit Moderator Genesis F5's Avatar
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    Hahaha! That would have been hysterical. If anything, you should have told her you were a satanist and by touching you, you zapped the jesus right out of her.

  5. #5
    Waaambulance Pilot sk8Krog's Avatar
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    Wow. I dunno what I would have done there. I'm not good at on the spot stuff like that. I usually get way too sarcastic and stuff. "I didn't know he was missing"
    It must be obvious day at camp stupid

  6. #6
    Fan of Doritos alty29's Avatar
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    Was it me that called you from Germany?

  7. #7
    Retired SCORM Guru PAlexC's Avatar
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    Should've kept speaking German, act like your English is weak. Or just say "Thanks. I f**king hate people who don't pay attention to decorum. Such a**holes."
    "What really bugs me is that my mom had the audacity to call Flash Kit a bunch of 'inept jack-asses'." - sk8Krog
    ...and now I have tape all over my face.

  8. #8
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    One time I was at the store with some friends and these dudes came up and were like "We were at Starbucks having bible study, and Chris here had a vision that we should come over here. Mind if we pray for you?" Creepy.

  9. #9
    supervillain gerbick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alty29
    Was it me that called you from Germany?
    You can't speak German to save your life, let alone insult me

    [ Hello ] | [ gerbick ] | [ Ω ]

  10. #10
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    Ahhh Gerbs, thank you for that a thousand times over!

  11. #11
    Flashkit historian Frets's Avatar
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    It happens everywhere. We just don't have guys in pick up trucks with life size crosses. I think crazy jesus lady was looking for a date.

    At least here they just mill around the parking lot. Usually once I'm inside it's safe.

  12. #12
    FK's Official Mac Hater jasonsplace's Avatar
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    If you want to get rid of someone then agree with them. If you would've told her you were saved she probably would have left. I use that approach all the time with door-to-door sales people. If you tell them you already have what they are selling, they rarely waste more time trying to sell it to you. Like wise, if you wouldn've tolde her you were saved, she would've moved on to "saving" the next person.
    Jason L. Wright
    I'm not that hard to imitate. Just make some random negative claim at Apple or anything else for that matter and then have nothing to back it up.

  13. #13
    Flashkit historian Frets's Avatar
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    Can of worms.
    Upon declaring faith more springs up...
    [quote]Which church do you belong to?
    Come to our church.
    I'd like to meet your Minister.
    Transubstaniation or consubstantiation?

    I used to debate theology. Many churches goers for all thier bible study don't have
    a clue about theology.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhhnifXUFHM

  14. #14
    Official Vermont Photo Mod WannaBe_80z's Avatar
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    How many people have you saved?
    "Let us declare nature to be legitimate. All plants should be declared legal, and all animals for that matter. The notion of illegal plants and animals is obnoxious and ridiculous."- T. McKenna

  15. #15
    Retired SCORM Guru PAlexC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jasonsplace
    I use that approach all the time with door-to-door sales people. If you tell them you already have what they are selling, they rarely waste more time trying to sell it to you.
    Wow, that analogy speaks volumes. Religion shouldn't be something you go door-to-door "selling".
    "What really bugs me is that my mom had the audacity to call Flash Kit a bunch of 'inept jack-asses'." - sk8Krog
    ...and now I have tape all over my face.

  16. #16
    Official Vermont Photo Mod WannaBe_80z's Avatar
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    And that fact that he himself went door to door to spread his love of the world makes it that much more.
    "Let us declare nature to be legitimate. All plants should be declared legal, and all animals for that matter. The notion of illegal plants and animals is obnoxious and ridiculous."- T. McKenna

  17. #17
    supervillain gerbick's Avatar
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    Next time... I'm playing this and seeing how they react.

    Naw, saying you're saved opens up a new conversation. When, where, by whom, how long, why you decided to do it.

    It ain't cool. Just turning and ignoring her was the best I could muster without being disrespectful.

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  18. #18
    Chaos silverx2's Avatar
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    was she hot?
    GhooooostGIrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl
    https://signup.leagueoflegends.com?ref=4b5493e6c7342
    use the link above if you download league of legends.

  19. #19
    Flashkit historian Frets's Avatar
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    silverx you are one very lonely individual.

  20. #20
    Chaos silverx2's Avatar
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    not really, its just pretty important info. maby she was using jesus as a pickup line.
    GhooooostGIrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl
    https://signup.leagueoflegends.com?ref=4b5493e6c7342
    use the link above if you download league of legends.

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