Feedback for my song = greatly appreciated!

[sumwungye]

Not to be a blatant spammer (after a long period of not being on Flashkit) or anything, but...

"Deleted My Heart"

^ My entry into a contest on MySpace Music. My "band" is called Humanity's Manatees (although the logo is a manta ray :P)

So comment on this thread telling me how/whether you like it! And sending around the link, etc. would be nice too

-----Lyrics-----

We met online,
She's so fine.
She's so good to me.

So, I opened up Notepad,
And, now, I am so glad
To set my heart free.

I attached my heart to an email and sent it to her.
I clicked "send" and let my computer transfer
All my thoughts, emotions, and binary love,
On a Hotmail.com page thereof,

But she deleted my heart
Straight off hard drive C:\
Zipped folders can't hide
What this means for me.
Next thing you know, (she)
I'll be blocked from her AIM, (deleted my heart)
And then I'll go back (Straight)
To playing internet games. (off hard drive C:\)

Online fortune-tellers can't tell me what to do,
She just didn't know how our love was true.
I tried to find the recovery files for my heart
So I could see her smiles go off the Excel spreadsheet chart.

But she deleted my heart
Straight off hard drive C:\
Zipped folders can't hide
What this means for me.
Next thing you know, (she)
I'll be blocked from her AIM, (deleted my heart)
And then I'll go back (Straight)
To playing internet games. (off hard drive C:\)

[Synth Solo]

I recovered my heart
And put it on a floppy disc
This way, my world would
Seem less amiss,
But, then, she told me what I hoped
all along would be true:
she said she saved a copy
on a floppy disc, too!

She kept my heart,
On hard drive C:\
Zipped folders don't need to hide
What this means to me.
Next thing you know, (She)
we'll be one and the same, (kept my heart)
And our love will be posted (On)
on some internet domain. (Hard drive C:\)

And Microsoft's blue screen of death (She)
Can't hurt me now, (Kept my heart)
I finally feel safe enough to (On)
Shut down (Hard drive C:\)
All my worries, fears, doubts, (She)
longings, and dreams... (Kept my heart)
Dreams, which have all come (On)
True! (Hard drive C:\)

(She
Kept my heart
On
Hard drive C:\)

(She
Kept my heart
On
Hard drive C:\)

[Loyal Rogue]

Interesting lyrics that only a computer geek could appreciate.
+1 for niche creativity.

My advise is that your "band" needs to invest in a decent studio mike with shockmount and pop filter, and then take some serious voice and singing lessons.
You have potential, but it's painfully obvious you don't have any formal coaching.

Btw, was the whole electronica/nintendo music done on purpose as an inside joke or did it just come out that way?
Maybe learning an actual acoustic, wind or percussion instrument to blend into your composition would help round things out... or hooking up with some other budding musicians in your area to collaborate?

In all not bad for starting out, I've heard and sung with worse on stage.
If your heart is in it, and you are serious, then you should take it to the next level and invest some more money, time and effort.
It will only help you grow in your talent and pay you back in dividends.

Hope that wasn't to harsh, but you did ask for feedback...

[sumwungye]

Hi, and thanks for responding

I'm glad you liked the lyrics, though I'm sure more than geeks are able to understand and enjoy it.

And I put 'band' in quotation marks because it's really only me, though I really do wish I could find a real band (I play drums).

And a lot of times, I write lyrics before instrumentals, so the lyrics directly influence/determine the style of the instrumentals. Therefore, the lyrics being about computers, I made the song electronic as well.

And I recorded these vocals a while back (at least a year ago) and I haven't rerecorded them because I'm too lazy. I just messed around with my synths to make it sound better than the original (though I did edit the vocals a bit, taking out breaths and such).

Again, thanks for the feedback!

[lefteyewilly]

you've got decent compositional skills, and i like the idea of where you were going with the song. The vocals just don't help anything. I've heard, over many years writing and performing music, bands that are amazing musicians, but then the vocalist starts and the whole thing falls apart.

I'd suggest you stick to writing and go down to your local music store and post a sign asking for a vocalist (if you're kinda serious)...

nice work otherwise.